Admiring your own lawn, and other middle aged warning signs
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Loading... - Petra Novak
- 03 Jun 2022
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LIFE is funny. One minute, you’re young and carefree, the next you’re old. So how can you see middle age coming and avoid getting caught off-guard? Look for these warning signs.
Admiring your own lawn
If you’ve ever mowed the lawn then stood there gawping at your own handiwork with a big shit-eating grin on your face, you’ve probably hit middle age. No young person has ever admired a lawn. They don’t have the mental capacity to think about things like grass. They’re too busy f**king each other and making TikToks.
Constantly checking on your parked car
Your car might be safely parked on the drive, but what if some local kids decide to pelt it with rocks for entertainment? This won’t happen, because you’re not living in the Toxteth riots. But would it be so bad if you wandered over to the window and had a little look, just to be on the safe side? Sadly, constant fear that something terrible is happening to your car is a reliable indicator that your days as a young person are over.
Leaving voicemail
To the young, voicemail is a terrifying, ancient thing, like Cthulhu. Only those with youth firmly in the rear-view mirror leave a voicemail instead of hanging up and sending a text. And, if you are the type of person who leaves a voice message, consider it a double red flag if you say your name and give the date and time at the start.
Choosing food in the freezer over a takeaway
If you’ve ever gone to order a takeaway pizza only to change your mind when you remember you’ve got a ‘perfectly good’ Dr Oetker Ristorante in the freezer, you may be past the point of no return. Only people with a good few decades behind them derive more pleasure from saving a tenner than they do treating themselves to something delicious but terrible for them.
Saying ‘the Facebook’
Frankly, if you say ‘the Facebook’, you should count yourself lucky to be called middle aged. Even David Attenborough probably knows how to say Facebook properly, and he’s the same age as the sun. The same applies to ‘the Tik Tok’, ‘the Snapchat’, ‘the Instagram’, etc. Read More...
