An Illuminating Memoir About Living With Bipolar Disorder
Living with bipolar disorder, previously referred to as manic depression, poses significant challenges. Memoirists suffering from this condition are faced with the added challenge of transforming their peculiar and terrifying experiences into gripping literary works that would engage readers instead of pushing them away. When successful, such accounts offer a rare glimpse into the extreme states of consciousness, characterized by a chaotic realm of hyper-signification and cosmic paranoia, which lie far beyond the boundaries of a healthy mind. Among the esteemed literary works on this subject are Kay Redfield Jamison’s “An Unquiet Mind,” Leonora Carrington’s “Down Below,” and Arnold Thomas Fanning’s distressing “Mind on Fire.” Joining their ranks is the illuminating memoir by the German novelist and translator Thomas Melle, whose life has been decimated by the illness.
In his memoir, “The World at My Back,” Melle recounts three prolonged manic episodes and their painful aftermaths. The first episode occurred in 1999 when Melle was in his twenties and had just moved to Berlin. The subsequent episodes took place in 2006 and 2010, while an epilogue brings us up to 2016, the year the book was initially published in Germany. The opening pages offer a preview of the strange delusions and extreme derangement that follow, where celebrities such as Madonna, Björk, Trent Reznor, and Günter Grass feature as coordinates in the internal cosmology of a mind that is spinning out of control. "When I had sex with Madonna, I felt good for a moment," he writes.
Melle's onset of bipolar disorder coincided with his emergence as a critically acclaimed novelist. Initially, his megalomania was masked by the grandiose ambition typical of young writers. However, his madness became unmistakable, accelerated by early blogging culture and online forums, and he alienated his friends and peers. As Philip K. Dick noted in his novel of psychosis “Valis,” the mentally disturbed tend to avoid simplistic interpretations and "shoot for the baroque." In Melle’s messianic delusions, even "Hitler had in the end believed that he was me." Literally, everything is about him, "right down to the Gaza Strip," and everyone is either on his side or out to get him.
Books like “The World at My Back” recount experiences of total frenzy from a standpoint of clarity and calm. Melle's work stands out because he appears to recognize how darkly humorous the intimate details of psychotic breakdown can be. His narrative, skillfully translated by Luise Von Flotow, had me laughing out loud while still sensing the sorrow and loneliness behind the outrageous incidents, including excruciating public appearances at literary prize ceremonies.
