Can romantic relationships remain in perpetual bloom?
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Loading... - Grant Paul
- 22 Feb 2023
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Whether you love, loathe or are indifferent to Valentine’s Day, the question of what’s possible in romantic partnerships touches all our lives, whether personally or through surrounding relationships.
According to Te Ara, the encyclopedia of New Zealand, Valentine’s Day is linked to the name of an early Christian martyr, “Valentine”, with the day being incorporated into rituals of courtly love in the 14th and 15th centuries.
For the cynics who dismiss Valentine’s Day as a marketing ploy devised by Hallmark, in 1876, a Valentine’s Day editorial in the North Otago Times depicted the already well-established custom of sending cards, poems, flowers and various symbols conjuring up images of romantic love through the post.
Mangōnui-based counsellor-therapist Avanol Bell has been working for the past 16 of her 35 years of practice with Mid and Far North couples experiencing various kinds of difficulties in their relationships.
Through her work, Bell has been able to help couples move towards greater mutual understanding, harmony and deeper connection, so in honour of Valentine’s Day 2023, has shared her tried and tested advice for maintaining healthy, thriving relationships.
Is it common for long-term relationships to have conflict?
A relationship is not a static process, it is a work in progress.
We’d all benefit from an understanding that keeping a relationship growing and evolving - and keeping our connection deepening - requires becoming more conscious and patient with ourselves.
What are some of the common challenges you have witnessed with couples you’ve worked with?
One of the most common challenges I have witnessed is the struggle with repeated conflict, which often leaves couples wondering what had happened to their once-felt love and connection.
The constant fighting or bickering drives them apart and, although they may want out of the relationship, they may also feel hurt and be fearful of the unfolding disconnection. Often in conflicts, one or both partners are unconsciously fighting to be right.
It is also common for one partner to feel unheard, which can lead to anger, while the other feels badgered or nagged and can react with anger or become distant.
If they don’t learn what they both could have done differently, and what to avoid in the future, arguments can become increasingly volatile. The connection and harmony they once had starts to erode and finding it again starts to look like an impossible dream.
What is a common predictor that a relationship is no longer growing/evolving?
A lack of resolution to repeated conflicts is one sign that a relationship has become static. Another is continual blaming, putting down, and refusal by one or both partners to accept responsibility for the nightmare being created.
If the conflict has ceased, and both partners have shut down and are living parallel lives, the relationship can not keep evolving. If we have the tools and we want our relationship to grow, we will move through the difficulties.
We’ll notice hurtful conflicts are less frequent and start feeling closer to our partner, which in turn makes us feel peaceful and happy. Read More…
