How to Define and Discuss Your Relationship Deal Breakers
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Loading... - Antea Vukovic
- 02 Aug 2022
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The topic of relationship deal breakers tends to be a pretty contentious one. Some people are either passionate proponents of dating non-negotiables, while others find them to be arbitrary rules that stand in the way of true connection. But when we talk about deal breakers, what we’re really talking about is boundaries, Shadeen Francis, LMFT, an individual and couple’s therapist who specializes in emotional intelligence, tells SELF.
Viewing deal breakers more as boundaries can help us talk about them in a more nuanced way. After all, boundaries are healthy in every relationship, and some are inevitably higher stakes than others. For instance, if you know for sure that you never want kids, you probably don’t want to start a relationship with someone who really does. Other things we think of as deal breakers might not be so cut-and-dried, and some things we don’t consider deal breakers actually should be.
When Francis speaks to couples about boundaries, or relationship deal breakers, she likes to have them imagine a house. “Some boundaries are brick,” she says. “Nothing is getting through that. But houses have doors and windows, gates and fences.” The types of boundaries you might think of as doors or windows will change over time, or under the right circumstances. You may change your mind about something you once thought was a deal breaker, and as you gain experience in relationships, you’ll likely add more deal breakers and boundaries to your list.
Deal breakers can also be situational. For instance, maybe someone’s stance on vaccinations wasn’t important to you pre-pandemic, but now you have specific boundaries around public health and personal safety. Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a social psychologist at The Kinsey Institute, recently conducted a poll among single people about dating during the pandemic and tells SELF that 32% of people said they would not date someone who wasn’t willing to get a COVID-19 vaccine. People also reported having deal breakers around mask safety and attending large public gatherings. (Dr. Lehmiller and The Kinsey Institute are looking to publish this data next summer.)
Because falling in love and setting boundaries are nuanced and subject to change, defining your relationship deal breakers probably won’t be a one-time thing. Still, it can be helpful to take time to reflect on your boundaries—whether you’re starting a new relationship, thinking about getting back on dating apps, or even if you’re in a committed relationship but haven’t had a discussion about boundaries before (or recently).
First, how can you identify your relationship deal breakers?
Some of your deal breakers are probably obvious. For instance, if you can’t imagine a life without travel, someone who wants to stay close to home probably won’t fulfill your needs. Other deal breakers may be at the back of your mind. You might remember that you didn’t like it when your last partner was constantly late, but does that count as a deal breaker? Would someone allergic to cats be off-limits if you’re very much a cat person, or would it depend on other factors?
Ultimately, only you can decide what counts and what doesn’t. Defining your relationship deal breakers requires thinking through your past relationships as well as what you want from future relationships, and deciding what you are and aren’t willing to compromise on. “It’s not always possible to know what all of your deal breakers are in advance, because sometimes we need a bit of practice and experience dating to figure out what we do—and don’t—want,” Dr. Lehmiller says.
It’s also important to remember that all relationships involve some degree of compromise, and holding out for that one “perfect” partner is a little unrealistic.
“Going overboard with deal breakers can actually make it much harder to find love that lasts,” Dr. Lehmiller says. He suggests having some flexibility in your relationship “wish list.” For instance, maybe smoking is a deal breaker for you, but would you be flexible about starting a relationship with someone who was looking to quit?
With that said, everyone is entitled to defining their own deal breakers in their own way. What matters most is that you’re very clear about the parameters, Francis says. She suggests defining your deal breakers through the following (sometimes easier said than done) exercise: (1) Recognize what you want. (2) Own it. (3) Advocate for it. For instance, maybe you value presence and quality time in a relationship, and you hate when someone is always buried in their phone on a date. If that’s a non-negotiable for you, you might end up with a deal breaker like: “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s always on their phone when we’re together.”
Here’s how (and when) to talk about deal breakers.
The idea of bringing up your deal breakers can be terrifying—especially if your relationship is fragile and new. But discussing your deal breakers early on helps keep you from hurt later when you discover that you and this person really don’t mesh. “It’s really about what your needs are,” Shanet Dennis, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist, tells SELF. “And if you communicate [your needs] early on, you give the other person the option to choose to be a part of that or not.”
That might sound scary because it brings up thoughts of rejection and being alone. Loneliness, Dennis says, can make us do things that aren’t in our best interest, like ignore the signs that someone isn’t right for us. “Sometimes people tiptoe around their deal breakers so they don’t lose people or lose their interest,” Dennis says. “But the reality is if people know what they’re getting up-front and they choose to stay, then they’re getting the real you and not the representative.” Similarly, if you choose to ignore something that’s important to you early on, you’ll likely find yourself feeling resentful and disappointed later.
For some people, this might mean including deal breakers right in your dating app bios, as Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a couples and sex therapist, tells SELF. Having things like “must love dogs” or “not interested in smokers” may weed out people who won’t be a good fit before you ever chat with them. Of course, a laundry list of must-haves and must-nots can also be off-putting, so it’s a good idea to let some of these things come up in conversation instead.
As Dennis notes, an in-person talk about deal breakers gives you the opportunity to notice body language in a way a text or in-app message wouldn’t. Luckily, the beginning stage of a relationship is rife with opportunities to bring up deal breakers. When you’re just starting to date someone, you’re trying to get to know them. So the deal breaker conversation doesn’t have to be super serious.
“You probably won’t get very far if you simply come out and say, ‘Here are all of my relationship deal breakers—do you have any of them?’” Dr. Lehmiller says. Instead, try to find a way to bring your deal breakers up naturally. Francis recommends a light moment when you’re hanging out and talking with your date to say something like, “What are three absolute nos for you in a relationship?” Or, you can frame it in the positive, like: “What are three things you want most in a partner/relationship?”
Other deal breakers can simply be observed. For instance, if you’re not into abrasive personalities, pay attention to how your date treats others. And if bad hygiene is a deal breaker, you can probably gauge that once you’re intimate—or when you see where they live. Read More...
