I Deserve a Man Who Looks at Me Like I'm a Giant Cartoon Ham
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Loading... - Jennifer Offei
- 26 Sep 2022
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I am 30, single, and too tired to date men who don’t see me like I deserve to be seen. At this point in my life, I know what I need from a man, and it’s a level of lust so cartoonishly over the top that you physically can’t be with me in public. Hallucinations and mirages are a must, reality is a suggestion, and the laws of physics no longer apply. That’s why I know what I deserve, and it’s a man who looks at me like I’m a giant cartoon ham.
My dream man should view the world through the desperate and famished lens of someone trapped on a cartoon desert island. You know the guy: starving, near death, and ready to eat his foot with cutlery and a bib that came out of nowhere until he sees me through the lens of his telescope.
The men I’ve been with before have looked at me like a person with opinions and feelings, and I hate that. I’m not picky, okay? He could see me as any cartoon dish: a large roasted turkey, a floating drumstick, a stack of buttermilk flap jacks with a perfectly square pat of butter. As long as he’s hungry, it doesn’t matter!
I am tired of settling, so these are my non-negotiables for how my new man should act when I’m around: When I’m in your line of sight, your tongue should be rolling out like a red carpet, and when I leave, it should snap back so hard it knocks you out of your seat. Your eyes should shoot straight out of your head and fly inches away from my face when you pick me up for dinner. No excuses. Read More...
