The six days of your life you'll never want to live again
-
Loading... - Wamuiru Bii
- 09 Aug 2022
- 70 Views
- 0 Like
- 0 Comment
From being born to turning 40, life is littered with horrible experiences. Here are six you’ll be glad you only have to suffer once:
The first day at school
Up until now your fledgling existence has consisted of being doted on by your mum and watching telly. Not any more. Out of the blue you’ve been abandoned with a bunch of strangers determined to make you learn things. The worst part is when they break it to you that you’re stuck in this living hell by law until you’re at least 16.
Finding out Father Christmas isn’t real
Christmas has been the most magical experience ever but now you’re seven and the secret’s out: it’s all a load of bollocks. No mystical bearded benefactor in a red coat, no Rudolph, just some shite about celebrating a random baby boy being born two thousand-odd years ago. And what else have they lied to you about? The trust is gone and Christmas is f**ked.
The ‘birds and the bees’ talk
Mum and Dad have sat you down to tell you the ‘facts of life’. What follows fills 12-year-old you with grim embarrassment and hideous shock in equal measure. You stick it where? Push it in and out a bit and then a baby comes out? This has to be bullshit. Not only is it weapons-grade gross, but it seems it’s practically compulsory when you’re grown up.
Losing your virginity
You’ve been building up to this for ages and you’re convinced it’ll be the most incredible transition into adulthood. Not a chance. There’s some ham-fisted fumbling, apologies for not being able to get it in right and then your big moment is over in a flash. The earth didn’t move and you get dressed in mortified silence, before never seeing each other again. Read More…
