Why Breakups Aren't Failures — And Should Be Celebrated
Girl, it's 2022, and we're retiring the sad Brigette Jones trope of eating ice cream under a duvet cover while lip-syncing to heartbreak ballads when a relationship ends. Are breakups sad? Yes. But do they measure your self-worth or say anything about you as a person? No.
All too often, women measure their worth on whether or not they're in a relationship. And it's hard not to — since we were little girls, society has taught us that the road to happiness starts at the front of a wedding aisle. Ever since we figured out how to walk our Barbies down an imaginary aisle, everything has been centered on finding the "one." You learn about clothes and makeup to become more attractive, learn how to cook and clean to become a better partner, and become an interesting, dynamic person to compete in finding the perfect person. But do you see the issue here? You are not centered in this equation. Instead, this mysterious person is.
And when you're not the center of your own universe, a breakup feels like a failure because you have lost someone rather than stayed true to yourself. To change our mindset, we need to reframe the equation with you at its center. You broke up because that's what's best for you and your happiness. You're looking out for your future and not settling for anything less than bliss. Here is why breakups aren't failures and instead should be celebrated.
Take An Honest Appraisal
Breakups aren't pleasant, no matter who is doing the dumping. But men seem to have an easier time with the process than women. "All too often, women see a breakup as a failure even if they were the ones that ended the relationship. Many women base their self-worth on being 'attached' to a partner instead of feeling whole on their own," says Dr. Joanne Frederick, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Author of Copeology.
Rather than getting lost in thoughts of "I'm not good enough" and "I'll be alone forever," see the situation for what it is: You weren't a good match. To see that fact clearly, you need to take an honest appraisal of the relationship.
"Once the initial shock and grief period is over, take a step back and give the relationship an honest appraisal. While no person or situation is 'perfect,' ask yourself what the biggest flaws were, how the other person made you feel, and what are characteristics or non-negotiables you would like to have in your next partner?" said Dr. Frederick. Rather than focusing on why you weren't good enough, be honest with the situation and admit to yourself that you probably fell in love with the potential of someone rather than the actual, flawed person.
Take this as an opportunity to figure out your non-negotiables, so you pick your next partner based on what traits they already hold rather than traits they might be able to cultivate. Don't choose a project, but a person who is mentally and emotionally available.
Recenter Yourself In The Equation
After you have pinned down what you didn't like in the relationship — and what your non-negotiables are in your next relationship — shift the focus to yourself. Take some time to journal and think about who you were in the relationship, what you gave up or compromised to be in it, and what you miss about yourself.
"What did you learn about yourself that has fortified you or that you need to work on emotionally? Are there things or can do or places you can go now that you are no longer tied down? Very often, in a relationship, we can tend to neglect friends, hobbies, or continued education due to the time we spend with our significant other. Get out there and recoup those interests," says Dr. Frederick. When you learn to make yourself a priority, you won't allow yourself to settle for anything less. When we have low self-worth and low self-esteem, we allow ourselves to choose less-than-great partners. Because that's all we think that we deserve.
Start Seeing Them As Experiences Rather Than Failures
Many people are dating in order to find their future spouse, but that doesn't mean that each breakup is a failure. "Trying out" a person isn't the same as committing to a lifetime of marriage with them.
"There is this famous quote that might seem trite, but really is true when it comes to romantic relationships. 'People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.' If we all married the very first person we met, everyone on the planet would be celebrating 60 years of marriage. This isn’t the case," says Dr. Frederick. "Sometimes relationships are short-lived because we quickly realize there is a lack of compatibility. Other relationships have a longer span and then people grow apart because they change or their priorities change. If you can enter into every relationship with integrity and keep your pride intact, if it does come to a conclusion, it will seem more like a lesson learned and an experience than a failure." Read More...
