15 Signs You're on the Wrong Side of a Rebound Relationship
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Loading... - Lisbeth Medina
- 02 Aug 2022
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There’s no official definition of what a rebound relationship is, but the term generally describes a coupling that occurs while at least one person involved is still reeling from a previous heartbreak. “A ‘rebound’ is typically a means to escape from the pain of your previous relationship,” Brooke Sprowl, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in relationship issues, tells SELF. For someone who’s feeling the sting of a brutal breakup, rebound-dating an exciting new human can indeed feel like a sweet, numbing salve. But if you’re the other person involved, it’s fair to wonder whether it’s too soon—especially if your new makeout buddy’s behavior is causing you to worry that you’re being used.
According to Sprowl, there are no one-size-fits-all rebound-relationship stages to watch out for, nor indicators of how long a rebound relationship will last, because every bond is unique to the people in it (further complicated by the ample baggage that we all tote into our next romance). Moreover, she cautions against assuming that everyone who dates weeks or even days after a breakup is rebounding. “People often process the loss of a relationship before it ends because they’ve had a gradual realization that the relationship isn't working,” Sprowl says. “So sometimes it’s possible to truly be over someone—and then just happen to meet someone else soon after.”
Every budding romance involves an element of risk. In this case, Sprowl explains that transparent communication is crucial to keeping a possible rebound relationship ethical. So long as everyone stays honest about what they want and where they’re at emotionally, “if there’s a true openness to developing the new relationship while processing the pain of the breakup, I think that’s fine,” she says. And a healthy habit of checking in with each other might even help your romance grow into something that lasts.
Often, though, people won’t even admit to themselves that they’re rebounding—so they’re probably not going to talk about it with the new person they’re seeing. As such, if you’re concerned that a potential match isn’t yet emotionally available for a new relationship with you, here are 15 rebound relationship signs to keep an eye out for. They’re not all necessarily deal-breakers, but if you bring them up to the person you’re seeing and they change the subject, shut down, or otherwise make you feel like you’re not being seen or heard, that’s another warning sign worth paying attention to.
1. They seem way too into you way too soon.
Are they calling you The One even though you just met, like, 10 seconds ago? In quiet moments, between basking in their adoration, do you feel sort of like a blank canvas they’re projecting their feelings onto? That’s an indication that their infatuation with you might really be about them using you to avoid their feelings. “It can feel like you’re not even there—like you’re just a fill-in,” Erin McMaugh Tierno, LCSW-R, relationship therapist and founder of online therapy practice The Keely Group, tells SELF.
2. You feel like you’re constantly being measured against some invisible yardstick.
If they regularly compare you to their ex, you guessed it, they’re probably not over that person. This can present as supposedly positive comments too, but “I’m so glad you love the outdoors—Kris hated hiking!” doesn’t actually feel great to hear because it’s more about criticizing (and fixating on) Kris than about appreciating your love for outdoor adventure. And of course, “if they’re comparing you negatively, then you’ve got to get the hell out of there,” Tierno says. “Kris was in much better shape than you” doesn’t just show that someone isn’t over their ex, but that they’re fine with putting you down, which is a deal-breaker in any context.
3. The relationship moves quickly and slowly at the same time.
Within a few weeks, they’re declaring their love for you, and you spend nearly every moment in each other’s company. Weirdly, though, you feel like you’ve barely gotten to know them. “I call this false intimacy,” Tierno says. “You’re spending all of your time together, except you don’t even know what kinds of foods they’re allergic to.”
Relationship therapist Shanet Dennis, LMFT, tells SELF that this behavior is often a self-protective mechanism that’s meant to insulate the brokenhearted person from more hurt. You may notice that they’ll try to talk about anything other than themselves. “You can feel like you’re engaging with the person and they’re interested, and then before you know it, you’re like, ‘I don’t really know a lot about the person I spent a lot of time talking to,’” she says.
4. You can’t seem to reach them emotionally.
On the topic of getting to know each other, someone who’s still suffering from heartbreak—and using you as a Band-Aid—may seem emotionally distant in general. There are plenty of reasons why someone can’t (or won’t) grant you access to their inner emotions, and trying to bury the hurt of a breakup is definitely one of them, Sprowl says.
Dennis says you’ll likely feel it instinctually when someone’s acting emotionally unavailable. But she describes it as a sense that they’re pulling away, especially when you endeavor to get closer, whether you’re broaching a conversation about feelings, or you’re trying to schedule dates more frequently.
“You begin to feel them fall back,” Dennis continues. “Maybe they’re not answering calls as frequently, or they’re not showing up to dates that are intimate. They begin to pull back when they feel themselves getting to a place of vulnerability.”
5. You sense lingering bitterness over their ex.
Maybe they insist they’re over their last relationship. Then they lash out, seemingly out of nowhere, about what a monster their former lover is. Either way, slamming an ex is a sign of unresolved anger, Dennis says—and a relationship red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
“A lot of times, it means that there are unprocessed emotions there,” she explains. “That doesn’t always mean that they want to go back to that person. It just means that they’re not healed from it.” If you do potentially see a future with this person, Dennis suggests saying something like, “I’m trying to get to know you, but you’re always talking bad about your ex. What’s happening there?” Again, if they’re open to talking about it, you’re not necessarily in rebound red flag territory.
6. They flaunt your relationship at social events…
Another common indication that someone has unfinished business with a former partner: They parade you around like a prop at social gatherings where their ex is in attendance.
Ex encounters are inevitable if former partners still travel in the same circles, of course, but it’s about how the person you’re dating approaches the situation. Ideally, Tierno says, “They say something like, ‘Hey, I wanna go to this party. My ex is gonna be there. How do you feel about that? What can I do to help you be comfortable there?’” If they don’t warn you about a potentially awkward run-in they knew about in advance and seem more concerned with their ex’s reaction to you than with your feelings, that’s a sign of selfish motives.
7. …Or they’re sharing you on social media. A lot.
If the amount of couple-y selfies they’re posting on their Instagram grid feels a little extra, and so do the gushing captions, “that might mean there’s too much attention focused in that direction,” Tierno says. Meaning, they may be technically posting about you but thinking of their ex’s reaction when they do it.
If they’re showing up emotionally and meeting your needs in real life, though, and you know their heartbreak is fresh, Tierno suggests exercising a little empathy and trust while you’re checking out their socials. “​​People have a lot to process after a breakup,” she says. “If the expectation is, ‘They must cut off all thoughts or feelings about their former relationship in order to be available for me,’ that's just unrealistic.”
That said, there’s a difference between reading too much into Instagram interactions and ignoring your intuition and/or evidence that the person you’re dating isn’t over someone—like the fact that they’re constantly liking and commenting on their ex’s posts, say (or that they’re exhibiting some of the other warning signs on this list). That’s why it’s important to keep checking in with your own comfort level, Tierno advises, which is the only thing you can control. “You have to be able to set your own boundaries with regard to whether your needs are being met,” she says. Read More...
