6 Questions to Ask Yourself If You're Considering an Open Relationship
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Loading... - Adela Chvatal
- 01 Aug 2022
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Many of us grow up alongside narratives of a “happily ever after” one-soulmate-kind-of love, but this cultural ideal is far from a universal reality—or even a universal desire. Just like someone might have several friends who meet various social needs, there are a lot of people, myself included, who crave more than one romantic or sexual partner. And if that’s the case—and you’re already committed to one partner—it makes sense that you might be interested in the idea of an open relationship.
That decision is a hugely personal one of course, and it’s important to recognize that open relationships, where two partners consensually agree to seek sex and/or love outside of their existing relationship, aren’t for everyone. They can feel complicated and, at times, downright messy—not only because many of us live in societies that don’t support nonmonogamy, but also because open relationships can bring up issues around jealousy, boundaries, and relationship goals that can all be pretty intense to navigate.
That said, they can also be incredibly fulfilling. To help you decide whether some kind of open arrangement makes sense for your love life, we asked Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist who specializes in nonmonogamous relationships, for the most important questions to ponder before opening up an existing relationship.
1. What does an “open relationship” mean to you?
If you’re researching this topic for the first time, you’ll likely come across a whole lot of new vocabulary, but the umbrella term for most types of open relationships is ethical nonmonogamy (ENM)—a dynamic in which transparency and communication are at the core of the choices you and your partner(s) make.
Polyamory—having more than one intimate relationship at once—is one way to practice ENM, but there are different types of polyamorous arrangements. For example, you may end up realizing that you align best with a “hierarchical polyamory” dynamic, in which you prioritize one primary relationship over the others. Or, you may prefer “nonhierarchical polyamory,” where every partnership is treated as equal.
Swinging is another form of ENM in which committed couples engage in strictly sexual activities with other couples or single people at the same time. Or maybe a couple wants to date other people together, whether that be with an occasional casual hook-up or in an entirely new relationship structure (like a triad, with three partners being equally committed to one another).
Whether you identify strongly with a preexisting structure or not, though, it’s important to remember that ethical nonmonogamy can be about rewriting the scripts we’re often given when it comes to love and sex—and that ultimately means you’re free to create whatever structure works for you and your partner(s).
2. Why do you really want to do this?
There are a lot of reasons why a couple might consider opening up their existing relationship. A 2022 article published in the journal Sexologies outlined eight potential motivations for polyamory, including fulfillment of needs not met in a monogamous relationship, expression of political values, and the desire to belong to a community.
Asking yourself and your partner whether you’re drawn to having more sex, more love, or some combination of the two can help you start to identify your motivations for exploring an open relationship—as well as whether or not you could both get your needs met by ENM.
3. Are you hoping to “fix” a troubled relationship?
Ethical nonmonogamy isn’t a magical cure for any and all relationship problems. For example, sometimes one partner has come to identify as nonmonogamous while the other hasn’t—but perhaps feels they should embrace nonmonogamy in order to “save” the relationship. In these instances, Dr. Pitagora says doing so might mean that one or both partners end up having to compromise facets of their identities or relationship goals—which can ultimately cause the relationship to break down.
The same is true for partners who are struggling in potentially irreparable ways, but are perhaps “too enmeshed or codependent to break up,” they say. This might look like irreconcilable differences in the desire to become a parent (maybe one person wants children, while the other does not), conflicting morals and values, or the age-old issue that is simply falling out of love.
“Exploring nonmonogamy tends to highlight strengths and weaknesses in relationships, which provides opportunities for personal and relationship growth,” they add. “Along with that growth might come a realization that an open arrangement could help both partners feel more satisfied—or that the relationship isn’t working.”
4. Do you feel comfortable talking about boundaries?
Even in the most established relationships (between parent and child, close friends, or romantic partners), many of us struggle to communicate our needs. For folks opening up their relationships, however, learning each other’s boundaries and fully respecting them is crucial, Dr. Pitagora says.
There are a lot of necessary conversations to have when you’re considering bringing other people into your romantic life, including discussions around the practicalities of your situation: where you’ll meet other people; where you’ll be intimate; whether you’ll be introducing them to friends, family, or children; how you’d like to divide your time; and many more. And these boundaries may need to be negotiated, to make sure both people are comfortable with the perimeters.
If you struggle with communicating your boundaries, though, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a healthy open relationship. Dr. Pitagora suggests first telling your partner about your fears. You can say something like, “I’m curious about an open relationship but I’m worried that I won’t be able to be honest with you about my feelings, or that you won’t respect my needs.” If your partner isn’t receptive and reassuring, that’s a sign that opening the relationship probably isn’t a good idea, they say, since, again, communication and respecting boundaries are crucial for ENM to work.
If even having that conversation freaks you out, it’s okay to take your time getting used to boundary-setting before you explore ENM further. Dr. Pitagora recommends first practicing communicating your needs in “low stakes situations,” like verbalizing an implicit boundary with a close friend—something like, “I appreciate how we don’t text after 10 p.m. when I have to get up early for work the next day, can we keep doing that and call it a boundary?”
You might then try a more challenging boundary—maybe asking a not-so-close friend not to text you after Finally, you can raise the stakes further still by telling your partner what you are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to an open relationship. “It’s an ongoing practice that eventually will feel easier with time and repetition,” Dr. Pitagora says. They also note that if you have a hard time expressing your needs and boundaries in relationships, individual therapy can be extremely beneficial. Read More...
