Do You People-Please in Your Relationship?
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Loading... - Benjamin Grant
- 13 Apr 2022
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People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of, or to the detriment of, our own needs, wants, or feelings.
Acts of kindness, generosity, and affection are not intrinsically people-pleasing; they’re important aspects of every relationship. These behaviors become problematic when prioritizing others has chronic, negative impacts on the self.
You might experience the people-pleasing pattern in your romantic relationship if you:
· Have been involved in numerous one-sided relationships that are all “give” and no “take”
· Have difficulty knowing and naming your own feelings and needsâ —especially when they’re different from your partner’s
· Experience immense difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, and setting limits with your partner
· Repeatedly losing your sense of identity in your romantic relationships
When you people-please in your relationships, you slowly lose touch with your sense of identity. Luckily, there are concrete steps to take to break the people-pleasing pattern and bring an authentic, empowered self to all of your relationships—romance included.
WHERE DOES PEOPLE-PLEASING COME FROM?
Somewhere along the way, many people learned that pleasing others was the key to securing approval, affection, and love. It’s no surprise that people-pleasing tends to emerge where the search for romantic love is paramount.
People-pleasing happens in relationships for a variety of reasons. Here are a few:
· As a response to trauma. Instead of flight, fright, or freeze, those who have experienced trauma may experience fawning: pleasing, complimenting, or gratifying others in order to regain a sense of safety. Tian Dayton, PhD., writes in Emotional Sobriety, “Children who regularly experience trauma learn that they can fend off trouble if they stay hyper-focused on reading others’ emotional signals. As a result, they become very adept at reading others’ moods—often to the exclusion of their own. They become habitually outer-focused and may lose touch with what is going on inside of them.”
· As the way you were taught to receive love. The people-pleasing pattern develops as a result of having caregivers who could not (or would not) mirror their children—meaning they could not recognize, validate, and sit with emotions and experiences. To be seen by caregivers, you learned to neglect your own feelings and engage with others on the basis of their emotions and experiences. Thus, you became a chronic listener, fixer, and/or helper.
· As a response to oppression or stigma. Someone in a position of financial insecurity might have to choose between people-pleasing at work or with their partner or living on the street and being unable to feed their children. Folks who face widespread oppression and stigma (e.g., people of color, LGBTQ+, and others) might be forced to tolerate difficult situations or risk further harm and the very real threat of violence.
The people-pleasing pattern is likely hurting your relationship and it’s definitely hurting you. When you stop people-pleasing in romantic relationships, the benefits are tenfold:
· When you act authentically and take up space with your true needs and feelings, you can truly discern if this connection is a good fit based on your true self
· When you give to your partner, it comes from a place of authenticity, joy, and generosity instead of obligation, guilt, and hidden resentment
· You become more self-loving, self-respecting, and feel more like the author of your own story instead of the passive addendums to others’ stories
HOW TO START BREAKING THE PATTERN
Learn to Identify Your Own Needs and Wants
Journaling can be an incredibly powerful way to excavate what you really want from beneath the layers of conditioned people-pleasing.
In your journal, imagine a magic land where every preference you express is met with acceptance. Whether you suggest going to the movies or driving through the Sahara Desert, you will always hear, “Sounds great!”
If you were in this magical land, how would you choose to spend your time? In what activities would you like to participate? Where would you like to go on vacation?
This scenario gives you the chance to find out what you really want when you’re not making decisions based on pleasing your partner.
Return to Your Body
People-pleasing leads to chronically living in someone else’s mind, heart, and body. A great way to return to and prioritize the self is to literally return to the self with a grounding exercise.
If you have the opportunity to people-please—like when you’re scheduling your plans for the week—say, “Let me think about that” and take a pause.
Take a full, deep breath and notice how the air enters and exits your lungs. Feel the pressure of your feet on the ground. Spread your awareness to the furthest reaches of your body: your toes, your fingertips, your scalp.
Tuning in to your own body re-centers you as the locus of your own experience. From this place, you might ask yourself, What do I want right now? and see what arises. Read More…
