Finding Love After Divorce – 9 Things To Be Mindful Of
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Loading... - Saira Vardhamana
- 28 Jun 2022
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Breakups are not just hard, they are life-altering events. And divorce, even more so! A divorce leaves one confused, hopeless, frustrated and disillusioned with love. It also stirs up a whole lot of anxiety and skepticism about finding love after divorce. When in a relationship, we become used to looking at ourselves from the point of view of our partners. We stop looking at ourselves as individual entities, becoming more and more comfortable in the role of being half of a whole.
To have that taken away all of a sudden can leave us all sorts of confused. Confused about who we are, what we like, and if and when we will find love again. All of us have the tendency to be short-sighted when it comes to our present emotions. We talked to Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in separation and divorce counseling, for her insights on this issue. She talked to us about the things one should keep in mind before venturing out in hopes of finding true love after divorce.
Finding Love After Divorce – Expert Guide
Divorce can leave you stripped of several things – your sense of self-worth, confidence, future plans, dreams, finances, love, forgiveness, hope, tolerance and so much more. Which is why it makes a lot of sense to be open to looking for help. Help can take the form of educating oneself through reading and listening to experts. It can also look like listening to the experiences of other people who have successfully navigated through the same trenches in this battlefield.
Listening to inspirational true stories on relationships that reestablish your faith in love, and true finding love after divorce stories may offer you a feeling of community. It will make you feel understood and have your fears acknowledged. Listening to experts will give you an objective insight into the crisis that led to your divorce and provide invaluable lessons that you can take with you to your next relationship. A good divorce counselor will hold your hand and guide you through the storm of emotions you have been subjected to deal with alone.
In this article, Shazia shows us how to steer our way through letting go of the old and welcoming the new. She points out 9 things one must be mindful of when looking for chances of finding love after divorce. New relationship anxiety is real and can be even more intense after divorce or a breakup. Shazia’s tips are sure to help you find stable grounds.
1. Are you ready to find love after divorce?
It is often seen that the first instinct that comes as a result of a divorce or breakup from a long-term committed relationship is trying to jump back into a new relationship. This could be an attempt at dealing with loneliness. This could also be driven by the desire to make your ex jealous.
Shazia says, “You must self-introspect. Instead of getting carried away or trying to prove to your ex or to yourself that you can move on, first do a small self-check. Ask yourself, “Am I truly ready for a new relationship?” How soon can you start dating, you ask? Start dating only if you feel ready.”
Falling in love is fun and beautiful, but dating is also a difficult business. Do not jump into it unless you feel that you are in the best of your spirits and health. Finding the right man after divorce or looking for that lovely woman to fix those mistakes should not be the first thing you should be worrying about after your divorce.
2. Take it slow
Once you have evaluated your emotions, you may find yourself in a better place. You may find that you are indeed ready to trust someone again and share your love with them. You might even feel excited at the prospect of dating again.
You may not know it, but you may be looking for validation from this new relationship. You may subconsciously feel pressurized to make this new relationship work at any cost, even ignoring red flags that should send you running and erasing healthy boundaries. On the other hand, you may subconsciously feel inclined to sabotage a perfectly good relationship.
Which is why, even if you do find yourself feeling ready to begin dating, Shazia advises to take it slow. “As we all know, slow and steady wins the race. So, do not rush into committing yourself to a new relationship. What you need is time and space for your emotions to settle down. Give yourself that space,” she says.
3. Learn from past mistakes
It is easy to look at your divorce and think of your old relationship as failure. But an old relationship is just that – an old relationship. The mistakes you made are all part of the process of growth of your personality. They add to your resilience and spiritual growth as well. They give you better odds of finding love after divorce.
It may help immensely to look at the past as a learning experience. Under the guidance of a counselor, one may learn to objectively look at the past, look for the mistakes that were made and treat them as lessons. Shazia sums up the lesson very simply, “Learn from past mistakes and be careful to not repeat them.”
4. Have healthy boundaries
The prospect of finding love after divorce may get you excited about jumping back into the dating pool. It may also get you in a state of desperation. It is often seen that people tend to think that their odds of finding love after divorce are low. This insecurity forces them to bend all sorts of ways to get the relationship to work.
However, Shazia insists on taking a step back and gauging your current reality and accordingly, your feelings. She says, “Have healthy relationship boundaries for yourself and maintain your personal space.” There might be children involved in the divorce, a child who lives with you. You might have to change jobs or work more to manage the new financial situation. You might need more support from family and friends.
This is why you must take a step back and find out what your needs are in a new relationship. You might not be looking to get too involved. You might not want them to meet your family just yet. You might not be ready to give it a lot of time. Whatever it is that you need, lay it out straight.
5. Work on yourself before finding love after divorce
Divorce or a breakup can be an opportunity to gather all the new-found time and space in your life and invest it in your personal growth. Before worrying about how to grow in a relationship, worry about self-healing. Before worrying about finding love after divorce, you must put your mental energy into self-improvement. Again, a skilled therapist may help you recognize issues that may need your immediate attention. Alternatively, mindfulness practices such as journaling and meditation may provide you an insight into your own issues.
Shazia says, “Working on yourself will help you regain your self confidence and self-worth that is usually lost in the painful process of separation and divorce.” After all, you should come out of the mess as a better, more joyful version of yourself before meeting someone new. Your psychological and social stability is imperative to the health of the new relationship. Read More…
