Five unflattering features you've got f**k all chance of changing before your holiday
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Loading... - Bahi Lazrak
- 18 Jul 2022
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Your holiday is booked, but your flabby mass is nowhere near beach body ready. Here are your worst features and how to disguise them.
Fat thighs
Consistent exercise over the past couple of months would have slimmed these down. But you couldn’t be arsed, which is why you’re a fat bastard in the first place. The best solution is to bind your legs tightly with sellotape and hope it squishes some of the flab up into your shorts/bikini.
Massive belly
Only one course of action here: an impractical crash diet and extreme exercise. Your body won’t have time to process the effects of five hours in the gym every night and a diet of low-fat yoghurt. However, as anyone who’s just started exercising knows, you feel as if you’re really healthy.
Corpse-like pale skin
Does your delicate, English rose complexion resemble a ghost with anaemia? You’ll feel very self-conscious when surrounded by healthily tanned Europeans so overcompensate by slapping on some fake tan. If you don’t immediately look bronzed, slather more on, and more.
Puny abs, biceps, et al
Rippling muscles have been the male beauty ideal for years, but there’s no chance of getting bulging pecs and a six-pack in a week or so. You could try drawing them on with a marker pen, but you’re better off sticking with the all-purpose solution of the body-ashamed everywhere: baggy clothes. There could be the body of an Olympic athlete under that sweatshirt. Read More...
