How Soon Is Too Soon To Propose? 18 Signs You're Ready + Red Flags To Watch For
Thinking about proposing to your partner, getting engaged, and getting married is an exciting time in any person's life. It means you're in a relationship that is making you truly happy, and you want to make big moves to stay this way. That is seriously wonderful.
At the same time, being very happy in your relationship does not automatically mean you're ready to get engaged. It's important to consider what a proposal really means and whether your relationship is really ready to take that step. To help you think through the decision and timing, we spoke with marriage therapists to get their insights into how soon is too soon to propose, how to know when you're ready to get engaged, and more.
How soon is too soon to propose?
There is no concrete rule for how soon is too soon to propose, according to Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage therapist and co-founder of the premarital counseling service Ours. However, she points to a 2015 study of 3,000 married couples that found waiting at least a year tends to dramatically increase the odds of a successful marriage.
Couples who date for one to two years before getting engaged are 20% less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged in less than a year, according to the study, and couples who've been together for three or more years before getting engaged are 39% less likely to get divorced.
In general, Earnshaw recommends at least waiting until the so-called honeymoon stage is over before you propose. That's because our brain chemistry in this early phase of a relationship can cloud our ability to make rational decisions. "During this stage, couples are often highly influenced by lots of love hormones," she explains. "These hormones make us more likely to magnify the good and minimize the bad."
The honeymoon phase tends to last anywhere from about three months to a year, she notes, and is typically marked by feelings of infatuation, passion, and intense emotions. "I always suggest couples move out of the honeymoon phase before getting engaged so they are going in with eyes wide-open."
How long do people typically date before getting engaged?
According to a 2018 report by the dating app eHarmony, couples know each other for an average of five years before getting married—with the exception of millennial couples (i.e., those around ages 25 to 34 at the time of this study), who wait an average of six and a half years.
That lines up with the estimates of licensed marriage therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, who says it's common for millennial couples to wait about five to six years before getting engaged. But that number "can vary depending on cultural backgrounds, age group, and where people are currently in life," she adds.
Earnshaw offers a shorter time frame—she says people typically date for about two years on average before getting engaged—but she emphasizes that every relationship is different. "I have worked with couples who have gotten engaged within six months and those that have waited much, much longer."
In general, both Andre and Earnshaw note that people today are generally waiting longer to get engaged, in part because many couples move in together prior to marriage these days and feel less pressure to get married as quickly as possible.
9 signs you're ready to propose:
1. You've talked about marrying each other.
Contrary to popular belief, proposals shouldn't exactly be a "surprise." You might surprise your partner with something special when it comes to the when, where, and how of the proposal, but the fact that you intend to marry this person shouldn't be new information to them. The moment of your proposal also shouldn't be the first time your partner is considering the idea of marrying you. "Don't propose without being clear about what your partner wants in your relationship," Earnshaw warns.
A couple that's truly ready for a proposal has already had conversations where they've both expressed the desire to marry each other and to do so in the near future. There is no ambiguity about what you both want.
2. You think of your future as a unit, instead of as an individual.
Andre says she can tell a couple is ready for marriage based on the way the individuals think and talk about the future. "Your language changes from 'I/me' to 'we/us/our' when discussing future plans," she explains.
Even when you think of your individual dreams for the future, you envision your partner there with you as part of the full picture. You use terms like "our home," "our kids," and other indicators that you are planning for a joint future, Andre notes.
3. You know you both want the same things.
To be ready for an engagement, you must have a clear understanding of what type of relationship your partner wants, says Earnshaw. For example, she says, "Do they want marriage? Do they believe in monogamy? Do you both want children?" These are all questions to ask before marriage and make sure you're on the same page about.
4. You're on the same page about all the big stuff.
On that note, it's important to make sure you and your partner are aligned on big-picture values and lifestyle preferences prior to a proposal. You know you're ready to propose when you've already had deep conversations about the following topics, you know where you both stand, and you align on the things that matter most to you both:
1. Whether you want kids
2. Finances, including spending styles, saving habits, goals, and how you intend to approach shared expenses as a couple
3. Religion and what role it'll play in your life (and any future children's lives)
4. Politics and values
5. Where to live
6. How you'll manage shared household responsibilities
7. Lifestyle factors (Do you go out on the weekends or stay in? Do you drink regularly or practice sober living? How do you each approach health and well-being?)
5. You like how they treat people—not just how they treat you.
Another thing you'll want to make sure you've done before proposing? "You've taken time to observe how your significant other interacts with people beyond your relationship–for example, how they treat their friends, family, and even strangers," Earnshaw says.
Your partner might be extremely loving and considerate to you right now, but how do they treat the other people in their life? A few years from now, when the highs of early romance have worn off and you're deep into the simultaneously stressful and dull minutiae of everyday life, the way they treat you will likely look pretty similar to the way they treat most people in their social orbits.
6. You've experienced making decisions together.
You're ready to propose when you have experienced making decisions—big and small—as a couple, says Earnshaw. "You've been able to make decisions together and have been able to take each other's influence."
If you know for a fact that the two of you generally approach disagreements well, and you have had many experiences of the two of you negotiating peacefully, that's a good sign that your relationship has a strong foundation for marriage.
7. Your conflicts rarely get nasty.
Every couple will have conflicts from time to time, but what matters is how you handle those conflicts. "You have been able to navigate differences with respect," Earnshaw says. "However, if you find that your arguments [tend to] become disrespectful and hurtful, you should take more time before taking the next step. Being engaged won't make your communication better."
You're ready to propose when you know with confidence that you can both navigate those moments in consistently healthy ways, based on the way your previous conflicts have gone. Your arguments rarely turn nasty, and if they have in the past, you have taken ample time to learn how to minimize those harmful behaviors. Read More...
