How To Help A Friend In A Bad Relationship, According To Experts
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Loading... - Dana Garcia
- 25 Jul 2022
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If you've ever had a friend date someone terrible, you know it's no fun to watch them go through a toxic relationship. Getting your friend to see what you see can certainly be a challenge, and sometimes, we don't actually know what's best for them. So, we asked experts for their advice on what to do, how to approach the conversation, and how to support a friend while respecting their decisions:
1. If abuse is present, take an active approach.
Remember that abuse isn't only physical—it can also be emotional or verbal. If your reasoning for not liking your friend's partner is because you see or suspect abuse in the relationship, it's important not to take a passive approach.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, you'll want to share what you've observed from a loving and supportive place. "Know that your friend may be experiencing a lot of shame about being in an abusive relationship, so showing up for them in a nonjudgmental way is key," she explains to mbg. "Let them know you see what they're going through and that they don't deserve to be abused."
She adds that abuse often lowers self-esteem, so reflecting their worth back to them can be very helpful.
It may take time for your friend to be ready to accept the reality of what's happening and to take steps to end the relationship, so let them know that you're available to talk or help whenever they need it. In the meantime, be there for your friend in solidarity, offer resources and information (including domestic violence shelters and hotlines), and try to help them plan their way out.
2. Get clear on why you don't like this person.
In the event that abuse is not present and you're simply not this person's biggest fan, clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, advises honestly reflecting on why that is. Sometimes, she explains, we project our own standards onto our friends, and no matter how well meaning you are, your friend may not have the same standards, or they may not be in a place where they're ready to raise them.
Leeds echoes this point, adding, "Often, our own taste in a partner might vary so drastically from our friend's taste that what troubles us about a friend's partner may be a nonissue to them."
From your reflection, you can determine whether the perceived issues in their relationship are worth bringing to their attention.
3. Approach the conversation very delicately.
If you do decide to open up the conversation with your friend, Leeds and Neo both stress the importance of doing so very delicately. For one thing, Neo says, if your friend has already become attached to their partner, getting them to see your POV won't be easy and could potentially cause a rift in your friendship.
Also, if you believe their partner to be manipulative or otherwise abusive, this person may go the isolation route, planting seeds that friends and family are out to get them—further causing distance between you and your friend. All the more reason to approach things delicately.
"Try to bring it up in a loving and objective way with clear examples. It can also be helpful to remind your friend that only they know what's best for them and that you will be there no matter who they date," Leeds explains.
All this to say, opening up a conversation about a friend's partner will likely be met with some resistance. Show compassion, try to stay calm, and be prepared for a potentially unpleasant reaction.
4. Keep the focus on your friend and their feelings.
No one wants to feel attacked by their friends, especially when it comes to their relationship. As such, Neo suggests keeping the focus on your friend and how their partner's behavior is affecting them. Should they bring up something nasty their partner did, you could ask them what they think about that behavior and how it makes them feel.
"This invites conversation and reflection," she explains, rather than aggressively forcing your opinion onto your friend. If it feels appropriate, you can also ask, "Do you want to know how I feel about this sort of behavior?" That way, you get invited to answer, Neo adds.
5. Avoid making them feel pressured.
Difficult as it may be, be patient with your friend as they navigate the relationship and figure out what's best for them. Even if it seems like they're starting to realize their partner isn't ideal, remain delicate and supportive.
As Leeds notes, "The more harshly and frequently you bring it up, the more likely the friendship is to suffer damage." She adds that these conversations can also make your friend uncomfortable talking about the relationship with you, so the kinder you are about the situation, the more likely your friend is to stay open and honest with you.
6. Keep your cool around the person in question.
Odds are, you're going to have to be around your friend's S.O. at one point or another. In this case, Neo advises focusing on keeping your cool, especially if you suspect this person is a dark personality type such as a narcissist.
"They're just waiting for you to flip so they can make you look like a loose cannon. You may have to put yourself in that mode where being authentic may not serve you or your friendship," she explains. Try to be polite, gracious, and dignified. (This is sometimes referred to as the grey rock method.)
And of course, she adds, you can do your best to avoid uncomfortable or anger-inducing interactions. If anything, it's a good opportunity to suggest some one-on-one time with your friend. Read More...
