Is getting back with an ex a good idea? 8 ways you can tell, according to therapists
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Loading... - Michael Fortin
- 25 May 2022
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Getting back with an ex
Hollywood loves a happy ending. A good sequel – like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck rekindling a decades-old flame – is even better.
If ‘Bennifer’ found their way back to each other after a few failed marriages and five kids between them, maybe love connections never die.
So does the one who got away (or the one you pushed away) deserve another chance?
About one in three couples who break up will eventually get back together, and it’s usually a good thing.
But before you make the first move with an ex, think about why they are ‘the ex.’ Understand the reasons for the breakup, or risk repeating history.
People often fall in love with the idea of falling in love, says psychotherapist, Eddie Reece, who sees it happen all the time at his practice.
“Our emotions get in the way of us being sane and rational,” he says.
So how do you know if it’s a good idea to get back with an ex? Here’s what relationship therapists say you should look for.
Start with a ‘diagnostic’ review of the past
Too often people create a balance sheet, weighing the good and bad in a relationship.
“They look at both sides, cross their fingers, and hope for the best. That’s the wrong approach,” says Reece. “It doesn’t matter what’s on the good side of the balance sheet if the bad is really bad.”
Having good hygiene and being a good provider do not balance out physical abuse or destructive habits.
Trust your instincts and your friends
Chances are your friends and family know your ex. They were around when you were a couple and were witness to the rise, the fall, and the breakup.
As you venture into possible reconciliation, involve those people, says counsellor, Laura Morse.
Bring your ex to social events or family gatherings and let your friends see the dynamics.
You may be caught up in the excitement of the reconnection, but your friends know you and your past. They can provide an objective view of the present picture.
Respect the deal breaker
Deal breakers are the lines in the sand you can’t cross or won’t cross. And it’s likely the reason the relationship ended in the first place, says Reece.
If you want kids and your ex does not, that may be a deal breaker. If you want to spend all holidays with your side of the family, but you’re open to compromise, that’s not a deal breaker – it’s something to negotiate.
Everyone has deal breakers, says Reece. But some people don’t know it until faced with a decision.
Be self-aware enough to know the things you’re not willing to give on – and your ex’s – before you reconcile. Or deal with them later when you inevitably come to a crossroads.
Decide on what you want
Relationship goals change throughout our lives. We may start as just friends with benefits when we are younger. We may gradually seek relationships with more commitment and communication as we mature.
If you’re considering reconnecting with an ex, chances are the relationship will look different the second time around. You need to decide what you want. And what your ex wants.
“Is it the constant and predictable ‘sunny day’ you want?” asks Morse, whose practice includes counselling for women’s issues and couples. “Or the sexually fulfilling relationship you remember from college?” Read More...
