The 3-Step Process That Turns Major Fights Into Deep Bonds
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Loading... - Lenka Chovan
- 30 Mar 2023
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How to stay out of the power struggle and avoid the impasse.
The question we are asked most often is: "What do you do if your partner doesn't ... (do any imaginable thing!)" or "what if you are married to someone who is ... (any imaginable bad trait or behavior)." In the past, we have responded to these questions with answers addressed to the specifics. However, as we listened to the answers, we found that whatever specifics we responded to, the pattern was always the same. The answer was, "Stay in the process".
So what is the process? It is Imago Dialogue.
When the process breaks down, the storm approaches
There are no enlightened answers to any question or clever solutions to any problem. Questions and relationship problems are all functions of "process breakdown." Partners stop listening and become defensive. Polarization occurs and the impasse is strengthened. The only way out of this quagmire is the Imago dialogue process with its three parts: mirroring, validating, and empathizing.
The process of Imago Dialogue is something like a canoe on a lake. Two people are paddling, one in the back and one in the front. They have their strokes coordinated and are gliding smoothly over the lake. The wind comes up. What do you do? Keep paddling. If one stops, the canoe will turn sideways to the wind and possibly tip over. The waves get higher. What do you do? Turn into the waves and keep paddling, using the smooth strokes you used before the turbulence arose. If one stops paddling or comments on how the other is paddling, the canoe will turn sideways into the wave and probably flip over. Both paddlers will get wet.
This is a metaphor for most fights. However, if both persons keep paddling just as they did when the lake was placid, but with the added effort needed because of the wind and the wave, they will keep the canoe afloat and probably stay dry. The moral of this image is "keep paddling and stay in the canoe, no matter what comes up." Whatever comes up in a relationship should be responded to with the Imago Dialogue process. If your partner criticizes you, mirror back. If she expresses frustration, mirror it back. If there is a discharge of anger, mirror it back. When he is talking about his work, mirror it back. When she is talking about advancing her career, mirror it back. Read More…
