The pain of ‘moving on' after a loved one dies
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Loading... - Andres Gomez
- 22 Jun 2022
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Emine Saner’s article on grief mentions the “especially profound” loss occasioned by the death of a child (‘It’s like the loss happened yesterday’: prolonged grief is now a disorder – so how long is too long to mourn?). As a former coordinator of bereavement services, I was privileged to work for more than 20 years with parents bereaved of a child in many circumstances – not only parents of children who had suffered an illness, and not only those of young children. The death of an adult child occasioned much the same reaction of despairing grief in the surviving parents.
Almost universally mentioned by the hundreds of parents contacting the service was the reluctance to acknowledge the concept of “moving on”, with its connotation of “forgetting”. Careful reassurance was needed that “moving on” would focus on remembering the child and valuing the parent’s way of incorporating their memories into their continuing family life.
Many had had experience of friends and professionals suggesting to them after a year or so that, for example, leaving the child’s room and possessions untouched, or making a birthday cake on their birthday, was odd or indeed pathological.
The experience of many bereaved parents was that they only began to envisage some future positivity or even happiness at about four to five years after their bereavement. All acknowledged that there would be painful times and reminders for the rest of their lives. It is important that professionals can recognise those who are suffering depression or experiencing suicidal thoughts, but the majority of parents may resent their grief being labelled as unduly prolonged or pathological. Read More...
