We fight all the time since our twins were born. Should we get divorced?
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Loading... - Adelaide Schneider
- 04 Jul 2022
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Parenting is hard, but splitting up won’t make things easier. Explore the alternatives and try to imagine different futures
I have been with my wife for 10 years. Two years ago, after fertility treatment, I became pregnant with twins, now 18 months old. Although overjoyed, I feel our marriage has suffered.
We love our children dearly. But time and finances are seriously affecting our marriage, to the extent that divorce has come up.
The childcare costs are so much, and we’ve both had to make huge sacrifices. I’ve had to cut a day from my work week – it doesn’t sound like much, but I’m an academic and have given up my one research day to take care of the twins. I feel sad and frustrated. I went into this career mainly to do research, not correct endless essays and then spend the rest of the time with the kids. I feel robbed, like I did a PhD for nothing.
All of my wages go to pay for childcare, so I feel trapped between scraping my pennies together, never getting enough work done, and feeling bitter that all my time/money is going to the children. Don’t get me wrong – I know what is involved in being a parent, and I understand that sacrifice is part of it. I’m just left with nothing in the engine.
My wife, meanwhile, gets to work her five-day-a-week job (her job isn’t as flexible as mine), but she is exhausted as she has to work shifts. We fight about cleaning, childcare time, what we do with our individual free time, and money. She has said she feels trapped in our marriage because we have the kids and the house.
I still love her, she’s a great mother and generally a good person, but I’m getting to a point where I resent her. I don’t think she loves me any more and wonder: should we get divorced?
Not yet. It all sounds very tough. You’ve both had such a huge life change. Fertility treatment can be gruelling, and when you do get pregnant and have children the pressure to feel happy and grateful is immense.
You sound like you had a fulfilled (and ordered) life before you had children, and the change from autonomous adult to parenthood can take time to get used to. You say you “know what’s involved” in being a parent, but I’m not sure anyone really does until they get there. The constant alertness, being available 24/7, being interrupted all the time, the sleep deprivation, the competitive tiredness with one’s partner. They can challenge a person’s sanity. Read More...
