Climbing Clinics We Actually Need (And Might Even Pay Money For)
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Loading... - Antonio Cruz
- 20 Jul 2022
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Most climbing clinics cover fairly suburban topics. They are vanilla, or maybe french vanilla at best—lead-climbing classes, movement clinics, gym-to-crag workshops, and so forth. These are all well and good, and will probably suffice for the fledgling climbers among us, but they’re not exactly industrial secrets.
There is a gap in knowledge that climbing clinics can address. It requires imagination, flair, and the promise of esoteric learning. Climbers are a notoriously miserly bunch, after all, so in order to capitalize on the cash-strapped, these clinics need to get weird. Here are some suggestions:
Booty Retrieval Master Class
In almost every campsite, there’s a climber who has been there too long. Seriously, way too long. They don’t even climb anymore, their motivation faded like so much alpine tat, but one can quickly summon their former vigor with two mere syllables.
Imagine what you could learn from this venerable guru! They’ve removed more stuck gear than you’ve had hot dinners and their secret techniques are legion. That said, even they can’t help you retrieve that Link Cam you panic jammed into an undersized crack. They’re a specialist, not a magician.
How to Cultivate and Maintain Non-Climbing Relationships
Do you have any non-climbers in your life? Me neither, but I imagine they could possibly enrich my existence and might do the same for yours. The problem is that since I began climbing, I’ve accepted an alarmingly low standard of personal grooming and adopted a bizarre pidgin dialect comprised of words like gaston, munter, boink, and gobie.
These characteristics make it hard to relate to non-climbers effectively. Rehabilitation can be achieved in this series of workshops and support groups where you’ll learn how to integrate into a wider cross-section of society. Focus areas include:
- Conversation Starters (that don’t involve route beta or gear selection)
- Haircuts and Bathing – theory and practical
- Dinner Party Recipes (using food that doesn’t come from bins)
- Jargon-free English lessons
- An examination of suitable introductory routes for your non-climbing friends/family/romantic interest (Hint: the grades may not have a letter at the end of them)
- Group Discussions on basic social mores, so you can really hash out why your cousin was pissed when you wore approach shoes to their wedding.
The Essential Bouldering Toolkit
The glib slogan that declares bouldering “the purest form of climbing” is either tongue-in-cheek or willfully ignorant, because the modern practice of the sport utilizes more tools than a small construction site. This clinic forms an introduction to these tools undertaken over two modules.
The first module is a familiarization with your local Home Depot where one can procure ladders, hand tools, battery-operated fans and lighting, and industrial-strength epoxy. The second module is a familiarization with crutches, walking sticks, and other mobility aids for the inevitable lower limb injuries you’ll sustain from repeatedly hitting the Earth from height. What, is this one too real?
The Wonders of Stick Clip Witchcraft and Wizardry
I recently demonstrated how to protect the spicy opening gambit of a steep trad route by placing a wire with a stick clip. My audience, a certified Trad Dad with a significant crust quotient, was truly amazed. The thought had simply never occurred to him, because back in his day, you either placed the gear on lead or died in a pool of cerebral spinal fluid “like a real man.” Some might regard such tactics as a concession to purity, but I think that not cratering is ace, so I’m gonna keep doing it if the situation warrants. Read More...
