How We Can Better Communicate in our Relationships
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Loading... - Ilaria Danese
- 29 Jun 2022
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Many people will find themselves in meaningful, partnered relationships over their lifespan. Partnered relationships like dating, cohabiting, and marriage can provide people with connection, meaning, safety and security. For some people, being in a relationship alone provides adequate connection without a strong need for continual communication and presence. For others, however, an ongoing proactive effort is important to feeling secure and connected.
There is no right or wrong way to be in a relationship and different people have different relationship needs. Western society often appears more biased toward the more expressive partner, championing this expression as the ideal or the right way to be in a relationship. There is nothing better or worse about connection styles and preferences and no person should feel inadequate because of this.
Stereotypically, men are portrayed as poor communicators relative to their female counterparts. Poor communication is not a fair way to phrase this but men are seen as less expressive and communicative. While there are many exceptions to this stereotype, there is likely some truth to it. Men are less likely to “talk it out” or share experiences and feelings that are not part a solution or fixing a problem.
Are men poor communicators?
Men are often socialized to believe that emotions are something to be fixed, repaired, or avoided as they are signs of weakness. It is not common for men to be in touch with and expressive about their emotions, making it difficult to listen to and share feelings. Many men struggle to see the purpose and utility of emotions, deny their presence within, and have little patience for them in a partner. This is not driven by a lack of care as much as a belief that unnecessary emotional distress should be solved and not wallowed in.
Men often overlook the subjective, emotional drivers within themselves. For men who are “logical” and focused on solutions, there is often a discomfort when a partner is upset, frustrated or distressed and the solution serves an emotional as well as pragmatic purpose. It is the relief from discomfort that is rarely discussed or communicated.
Not all communication is the same. Just because a partner is more expressive does not mean that they are communicating more clearly. In many relationships, one partner wants to talk more than the other but that does not mean that communication is effective. Many people who are expressive and overly verbal are also talking about issues – including sexual health issues — and problems far more than sharing about themselves.
Why communication matters
Good communication is at the heart of intimate connection. It allows couples to navigate the most challenging topics and issues with a sense of partnership and support. There are many topics that will have no amicable solution or compromise. These are generally the most difficult conversations for couples to navigate. It is tempting to avoid these conversations and topics but they are an important component of building strong bonds. When two people are forced to get beyond the surface and share each of their perspectives, thoughts, and feelings a deeper connection can be formed.
These conversations, while potentially very connecting, can also be very contentious and difficult. Getting these conversations started on the right foot is key to the bond-building exercise.
How to broach tough conversations
Validation – Validation of your partner’s perspective and experience is important to creating an environment where both of you can be heard. Validation is not giving up your perspective and telling your partner that they are right. It is also not telling your partner just what they want to hear. Validation is a more genuine expression of understanding and normalizing how your partner got to their perspective and feelings around the issue. Without validation, no one will feel heard and the conversation will unproductively loop.
No blame – When having a difficult conversation with a partner, avoiding unnecessary blame and criticism is crucial. People naturally become defensive in response to criticism either by shutting down or becoming overly explanatory. Rarely does this lead to feeling heard or understood and that fuels unproductive conversations as well. When people hear and understand that they are not to blame or at fault, the ability to listen and be empathic rises exponentially.
Ask for what you need to be able to share – If you know what will be helpful to you to more comfortably broach a difficult conversation with your partner then start there. Ask your partner what it is that you need or want that will make the conversation easier to have. These requests can help to ease tension before any difficult content is shared. When your partner sees that you are genuinely thoughtful and concerned about protecting the relationship empathy and care can more easily flow.
Be direct – Even with the above efforts, the conversation can still feel tense and challenging. The more direct and confident you are in your sharing and expression, the easier it will be for a partner to digest. This can seem counterintuitive but hesitancy and the appearance of not sharing everything can raise a partner’s anxiety and make the conversation significantly more challenging. Read More...
