Stages and Signs of a Dying Marriage
“When did you know?” It’s a question that typically surrounds a romantic relationship and refers to when you knew you were in love with your partner. Like many things, there’s a pivotal point when something happens either externally or internally and things enter new territory. You may be able to recall that moment when you first fell in love.
In a similar way, divorced people are often able to remember the specific point when they knew their marriage was over. There are typical stages of a dying marriage. Akin to cancer, the first stage is not as serious and comes with hope for recovery. But the later stages are terminal with no point of return.
The peculiar thing about marriages that are “unwell” is that they often remain this way for a long period of time. For example, one person may see that the relationship is headed down a bad path, and yet nothing is done about it. This is like having a cancer diagnosis and refusing treatment. When an unhealthy marriage is left untreated, two common scenarios tend to play out, and neither is good.
Scenario 1 – Failure to recognize
For over 5 years, Kristen was unhappy in her marriage. Most of that time she was “checked out”, operating from an “I” standpoint instead of a “we”. She spent all of her free time with friends. She planned to leave the relationship once the kids were out of the house. She waited until it was the “right time” to tell her partner she wanted a divorce. When she finally told him, he was completely blindsided.
Scenario 2 – Failure to change
Steven and his partner were fighting regularly. They were in conflict more than they were happy together. They loved each other, but neither of them worked to undo the vicious cycle they had been in. They both just hoped it would get better. With time, their relationship progressed for the worst. They had hurt each other badly and were left with a deeply damaged marriage that seemed irreparable.
Signs of a Dying Marriage
The ability to recognize the signs of a dying marriage is key, as it could be the difference between staying together or divorcing.
Common Signs:
There’s a lack of effort
People sometimes confuse love and effort. While love is important to have, it’s a lack of effort that can end a marriage. A marriage requires regular nourishment for it to survive. Like gardening, you’ll have to do more than just plant the seed.
A lack of effort means no intentionality. That’s how things fall by the wayside and your relationship and your partner become second, third, or even last. Read More…
