The 5 (Potential) Stages of a Breakup, According to Relationship Experts
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Loading... - Adela Chvatal
- 14 Jul 2022
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The stages of a breakup can be emotionally overwhelming—particularly if you’re on the receiving end of the “this isn’t working” news. Severing ties with someone you’ve become attached to can bring up feelings of rejection, hurt, self-doubt—and maybe a little bit (or a lot) of anger, because let’s be honest, you’ve got a lot to offer.
We’ve all seen enough rom-com clichés to have an idea of what a breakup looks like: Holing up at home with Haagen-Dazs and/or soaking a friend’s shoulders with tears. But the reality is that many of us are unfamiliar with the actual grieving process involved in romantic loss—despite its near-universal prevalence.
If you’re experiencing a painful romantic separation, understanding the potential stages of a breakup—which tend to follow a trajectory similar to that of other forms of grief—can help you learn how to move on and heal, Gary W. Lewandowski, PhD, a professor of psychology who studies romantic relationships and identity, tells SELF.
Mourning a relationship looks different for everyone, but there is some common grief ground.
You may have heard of the typical stages of grief, but the process doesn’t look the same for everyone. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced the concept of five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) in her 1969 book On Death and Dying to explain how patients came to terms with a terminal illness diagnosis. It’s since been adopted as a roadmap for how we process other forms of loss; however, most experts no longer believe that grief occurs in defined, sequential steps (as SELF previously reported). Instead, some people may experience certain stages out of order, or even skip them altogether.
One factor that will likely (not surprisingly) influence your reaction: How attached you were to begin with. “I don’t think there are specific stages across the board; it depends on how invested you were in the relationship,” Niloo Dardashti, PhD, couples psychologist and cofounder of Psychology Group, tells SELF. “It’s a very different case for someone who’s been on a few dates and shared a few sleepovers versus a breakup where someone has been blindsided after several years.” (It’s also a very different case if you’re the breakup-er. You may still experience feelings of grief and loss, of course, but romantic rejection is a particularly painful blow—which is why we published this advice on how to break up with someone without being a total a-hole.)
Poorly handling a breakup isn’t a character flaw—despite what it may seem (or feel) like.
Science tells us freaking out after separating from a significant other is an ubiquitous experience programmed into our brains. Humans, like other mammals, are engineered to form social connections, so our brains may process social pain similarly to physical pain, according to research presented in Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, by psychologist Matthew D. Lieberman, PhD, director of the Social Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory. When these connections are severed, “you suffer for important Darwinian reasons,” Helen Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist and Chief Scientific Advisor for Match, tells SELF. While basic biological needs like “thirst and hunger keep you alive today, romantic love drives you to form a partnership and send your DNA into tomorrow,” she says.
In other words, if you feel like your survival is being threatened after a breakup, you’re not wrong. Seemingly unbearable emotions are a normal, hardwired response to romantic grief. While that doesn’t make them suck any less, knowing that you’re so not alone in your experience—and learning what to expect as you get through it—might offer a bit of relief and hope for the future.
And here’s the part you’ve been waiting for: Yes, you will get through it. You don’t have to take our word for it, either—there are plenty of studies and experts to back up the fact that, in time, you’ll feel like yourself again (maybe even with more wisdom and strength). With that in mind, we asked relationship experts to demystify and break down the potential stages of a breakup.
1. You might not believe it’s really happening.
Many people on the receiving end of a breakup are in a state of shock, so the reality of their new situation may not sink in immediately, Dr. Lewandowski says. This initial denial stage of grief is a self-protective reaction, psychologists say, since immediately taking in the fact that you’re never getting back together might be too painful for your brain to process. If this sounds like you, here are some small things you can do:
Ask yourself, Am I just seeing what I want to see?
While it’s normal to not fully accept your new situation (and even wait by your phone) right after a breakup, if you feel like you’re stuck in the denial stage and just can’t seem to acknowledge that the relationship is over, asking yourself this question might help, Dr. Dardashti says. Our minds have a funny way of distorting reality to shield us from pain: For example, we’ll read into the final words or actions of an ex trying to decipher them for signs that the relationship hasn’t ended in order to get through the hurt, she says.
Then, consider making a list.
Your method of processing what happened and beginning to accept your new reality might involve journaling about your experience or talking to your support system to begin to unpack the whys of the breakup. Dr. Dardashti advises making a list of the ways you and your ex were incompatible—realizing that the relationship wasn’t perfect should help you begin to let go, she says. (More on that shortly).
2. You may feel anger—or rage.
Another common reaction that comes up during a breakup is anger. The second stage in the Kubler-Ross grief model, this emotion can come up at any time and can be expressed differently depending on the person. According to Dr. Dardashti your mind may convert your feelings of hurt and confusion into anger in order to push them away, causing you to direct ire towards something intangible—like the universe—or someone specific like, you guessed it, your ex.
While being furious with your romantic rejector makes sense and may inspire you to want to slam them on social media, lashing out publicly probably isn’t going to help you feel better in the long run. Instead, it’s likely to leave you with feelings of shame and remorse once you’ve moved past your fiery feelings, Dr. Dardashti says. Read More...
