What Is Love Bombing and How Is it Different From Falling in Love?
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Loading... - Agata Alex Kral
- 14 Jul 2022
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One of the cruelest realities is that an unhealthy relationship often starts out feeling like the most wonderful romance of your entire life. In some cases, that’s thanks to love bombing: a pattern of manipulative, often subtle behaviors your partner performs as acts of love. While these behaviors—like excessive attention and affection—may seem perfectly lovely and downright dreamy at first, they’re often used as a control tactic and can be an early sign of emotional abuse, one of many forms of domestic violence in certain situations.
Perhaps you (or one or more of your friends) have experienced this before: You click with someone so much that you feel euphoric, giggly, and alive. You want to be with them all the time, even if it means neglecting obligations like work or school. They listen intently to your every word. They want to meet your family and friends, and although it seems too soon, you want to believe that you deserve something this good after so many crappy dates. Part of you feels overwhelmed—maybe even a little afraid—by just how into them you are. But you can’t seem to slow down.
Depending on whom you ask, the above scenario could describe love bombing or falling in love. Experts agree that there’s not always a simple way to sort out the differences between the two. It can also be challenging to face the reality of an unhealthy relationship—it’s often really hard to back out or give up when you fall for the best version of someone only for them to turn on you. And it may be even harder to admit you were wrong—that they hurt you—after telling anyone who would listen how amazing they were.
It’s not always possible to avoid an emotionally manipulative or abusive situation, and abuse is never a victim’s or survivor’s fault. But understanding common signs of love bombing and what to do if a new relationship feels off may help you spot potentially problematic behavior before you’re too emotionally invested.
What is love bombing and why is it so hard to see?
Love bombing is a pattern of intense and overblown interest and attention from one partner in order to manipulate the other. Often it’s hard to spot because “our culture, through TV, films, and fairy tales, tells us that the behavior we know as love bombing is a normal expectation of romantic love,” Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, a integrative trauma therapist who works with domestic violence survivors, tells SELF. (Think of star-crossed lovers and speedy courtships in a slew of dramas and rom-coms, as well as the romanticization of relentlessly pursuing someone or employing extravagant gestures or gifts in order to win them over in “classic” movies like The Notebook and 10 Things I Hate About You.)
If you’re used to terrible dates [raises hand], a love bomber might also feel like a welcome break from emotionally unavailable jerks and ghosters. To train your eyes to see through the smokescreen, it’s essential to understand common patterns of abusive behavior. Love bombing is one of many moves abusers use to try to take away their partner’s sense of power, control, and strength as an individual, Elena Welsh, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of Trauma Survivors’ Strategies for Healing, tells SELF. For instance, they may coerce you into spending less time with others in order to isolate you, or pressure you to satisfy their wishes using charm, romantic surprises, or jealousy. (For example, “Can I join for girls’ night? The idea of guys hitting on you when I’m out of sight drives me crazy.”)
To make matters more complicated, in many cases, it takes time for an emotionally manipulative or abusive partner to show you who they really are. With that in mind, here are a few of the earliest signs of love bombing to look out for:
1. They’re intense communicators.
It’s normal to have a steady flow of communication when you’re super into someone new. But if they overwhelm you with texts, calls, DMs, and likes, these could be signs of tech-based love bombing, Ashley Bendiksen, a survivor and abuse prevention educator, tells SELF. Pay attention to check-ins: Do they bug you at inappropriate times like when you’re at work or out with friends? Do they need to know what you’re doing at every moment? Do you feel self-conscious about gooey or intense comments on just about everything you post on social media?
In other words, think about how your partner’s communication style makes you feel. Signals something’s off include a surprisingly aggressive or edgy tone, as well as obsessive or overblown jealousy that makes you feel anxious when you spend time with others. When you’re out with friends and text “Talk later!,” for example, “most partners in healthy relationships will respond with something like, ‘Okay, baby. Have fun and be safe,’ rather than strongly suggesting—or demanding—that you stay home, or leaving you feeling so guilty that you can no longer have fun,” Lena Suarez-Angelino, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and empowerment coach, tells SELF.
If your partner feels insulted when you have fun without them or implies that you’re disrespecting them if you don’t constantly check in, these are red flags that they could be trying to take away your freedom and isolate you through controlling behaviors, Kimberly Perlin, LCSW-C, a trauma-trained licensed clinical social worker in, tells SELF.
2. Their gifts are extra.
Thoughtful surprises, sweet notes, and candlelit dinners are all typical ways to woo someone you’re into. But lavish gifts like a dozen roses delivered to your workplace, expensive jewelry, international getaways, or even financial aid—especially when the relationship is in its infancy, maybe even after your first date—can be an early sign of abusive tendencies.
Gift-giving that’s uncomfortably over-the-top could indicate that they’re trying to manipulate you by building up feelings of love and trust quickly to lower your inhibitions, or that they are using the gesture to create a sense of obligation. Case in point: “I’ve seen many clients with love interests who try to revamp their look by buying them new clothes and/or cosmetics,” Perlin says. “Quickly, those gifts become expectations—they’re quizzed about why they’re choosing outfits or makeup that their partner did not choose.”
“If you’re less financially secure, a partner might lean into this as well—by helping pay your rent, say, or covering auto repairs,” Bendiksen says. If the relationship is brand new, she says these money moves could be an early sign that someone is trying to make you financially dependent on them. Research suggests many domestic violence survivors experience economic abuse, a set of tactics used to sabotage a partner’s financial independence. Read More...
