Warning signs of excusing abuse in relationships
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Loading... - Claire Agaba
- 30 Nov 2021
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A few weeks ago, I bumped into an old friend.
We had a brief discussion about the weather and the tough economy before she briefed me about her relationship.
She seemed dull on this particular day. “I want to leave,” she burst out. I had heard that statement before. From people who never left. They just complained but never left.
When my friend made this statement, I remembered a conversation we had months ago.
She had declared that she was there to stay and nothing would push her out of marriage.
“What changed?” I wondered, but I did not want to probe. It was none of my business.
Besides, I did not want to listen to another story of a toxic relationship, especially from a friend.
These kinds of tales were taking a toll on me. She did not want to say much either.
She struggled to keep the ‘juicy’ details of her relationship a mystery and in the process; she looked down, fighting tears.
Still in love
I made a joke, just to ease the tension and she laughed.
Then she told me she lacked the energy to laugh, that the constant crying had really drained her.
What followed were brief and vague tales of various things he had done to her.
There were allegations of cheating, neglect and mind games.
It was a one-sided story, but even so, I gathered that he had a big ego.
To my surprise, she declared that she still loved him and she was willing to come back after a while, if he met certain conditions.
She also hinted that she was afraid she would never find anyone like him.
At this point, I realised her reality had been extremely distorted, which is a common side effect of emotional abuse.
It is common for abuse victims to not only tolerate but also excuse abuse. Often, it has been argued that women stick around because of their children or due to financial reasons.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. My friend did not have any children and she was definitely capable of fending for herself, but still she found a few excuses to stick around until she couldn’t take it anymore.
This begs the question, how many people accommodate, tolerate, excuse and even cover up abuse in the name of love? Could you be one of them?
Here are the signs:
Keeping up appearances
In an era where people are flying to Dubai just to celebrate their “first kiss anniversary”, the pressure to speak highly of your relationship is mounting.
Couples have camped at YouTube showcasing their wonderful love stories.
Photographers have also not spared us. We are waking up to cleverly-staged family portraits, engagement photoshoots and men marvelling at their wives’ baby bumps.
This might prompt you to keep up with the trends even when things are not so good in paradise.
One of the signs that you are accommodating abuse is overcompensating the lack of happiness with excessive PR for your relationship.
It could be your constant bragging about how amazing your partner is, covering up bruises with make-up or a fake social media life.
Whatever your tactics are, they do not change the fact that you are unhappy.
You always have a good excuse
“He will change, I am praying for him”, you keep telling yourself. Or “She is going through something, I am sure she still loves me” and “I provoked him, I also had a role to play in this”.
When you first met, things were rosy, but along the way the claws came out.
It is human to desire the good old days when your love blossomed.
Even when you are nursing serious injuries after a rough fight, your mind will take you back to those days when your partner showered you with love. The good memories will linger and as a result, you will forget the pain you are going through for a moment.
From there, the excuses will pop up. You will try to rationalise your decision for sticking around or failing to get help and every time, your excuses will make a lot of sense to you.
Thus, you will trudge on this rocky path.
You are not alone in this. Studies show that victims of abuse are more likely to stick around by excusing their partners’ behaviour. Read More…
