Why do we feel the need to share our truth?
Prince Harry's memoir has been at the centre of a media storm – but in seeking to be understood, is he simply expressing a fundamental human need?
“Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood,” sings Nina Simone, in the famed song. Her voice trembles with desperation. She’s just a soul whose intentions are good, after all. The beauty of this song lies in its accuracy. For there is perhaps nothing more frustrating than when a gap appears between what we mean and what others think we mean, between who we are and who others perceive us to be. If others believe us to have done something we haven’t, or not done something we have... how galling that can be.
The relatable fury which lives within these deficits of understanding is an interesting entry point to the rage of Prince Harry. Most of what we have seen is a storm of incredibly British poking and laughing at his memoir, but beneath it all I see a very reasonable desire for a man raised in a quagmire of other people’s opinions about his life, to un-gag himself and speak his truth. If ‘truth’ has become too loaded a word, too heavy with ‘therapy speak’, then let us put it another way. This book is Harry’s call: Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.
The desire to be understood is a fundamental human need
The desire to be understood is, according to psychologist and Relate counsellor Josh Smith, a fundamental human need. “We are pro-social creatures,” he explains. “Studies have long shown that being seen and understood by others, from caregivers like our parents to partners and friends, is how we thrive. It is also how we make meaning of things in the world – not just in our own heads, but through communication with other people. We are socially constructed.”
This can become problematic, and damaging, when our understanding of ourselves is fragmented by what Smith calls "worrying social discourses". By that, he means the ills of our society – from racism to sexism. If society mirrors back who we are, but fundamentally misunderstands us because it views us through these damaging filters, it can cause huge psychological issues. “Awful things can arise out of not being seen and understood, from depression and anxiety to isolation and trust issues,” Smith says. “It can begin to feel very risky reaching out to people, because the expectation is that you won't be understood. So, you keep to yourself, you lose faith in others.”
Smith also explains that having the world misunderstand you can cause a splitting of your self in two. “We have to almost pretend to be a different version of ourselves, and a ‘true’ self and a ‘false’ self emerges,” he says, adding that verifying true authenticity is itself a whole other battlefield. “In that situation, you may well crave being seen as your true self, and will seek out communities who accept and understand you, as well as desiring a way to make yourself and your ‘truth’ seen.”
“Speaking ones truth is an art,” says psychologist Natasha Tiwari. “It is important that we stand firm in our emotions and thoughts, and that we share what’s in our hearts with others. Speaking one’s truth is also vitally important for communicating what we need with those around us; when we are not truthful, we risk being inauthentic, which serves no one.” Yet Tiwari recognises that expressing this vital human need has been warped in the age of social media, where myriad ‘truths’ threaten to drown each other out in a cacophony of online voices. Read More…
